It's YOUR sexuality after all

Sexuality in the modern world

I recently hosted a couch surfer for a night or two. It was interesting to learn about her European culture, way of life and her opinions on sexuality…

I also met her South African friend, an attractive female a lot younger than my 44 year-old visitor. We spent a lot of time chatting and I was mesmerised by the diversity displayed between us. It wasn’t only the ethnic groups, languages, backgrounds, education or religious differences that fascinated me. It was the fact that there was such openness and fascinating differences regarding sexual preferences and sexuality!

It isn't only about being homosexual, bisexual, transgender or heterosexual – it stretches and reaches beyond that. There are people who are not in touch with their sexual side. Some of them are frigid, some are promiscuous, some are confused, some are perverted and some are simply disinterested.

Some people are in touch with their sexuality. They know what they like and what they want, where, when, with who and how often they want it. This is all good as there are some who have yet to figure these things out and some never do. To me this is not the issue.

What IS an issue to me is the fact that (as with many other things in life) we live with opinion, shame, blame and accusations around sexuality. People always have an opinion about your relationship(s), your partner and your sexual affairs.

If you are getting too little sex they have an opinion but if you are getting too much it is also a problem. A woman who enjoys multiple partners is considered a ‘slut’ but a man who does the same is envied by his peers and admired by (some) women. Should you like kinky stuff you have to keep quiet about it otherwise you get ridiculed or called perverted. If you are open to talk about your sexuality and preferences you are frowned upon and considered rude or 'weird'.

Some women are very feminine and ooze sexuality – think Marilyn Monroe. I have two friends who are like that. Although they really love sex, they are not on the prowl and always looking for it. They aren't with other peoples' partners as many (jealous) women will have you know!

Having sex once a month is ‘regular’ and enough for some. Others have intercourse with their partner daily and ‘help themselves’ later as if it is normal and natural. Some prefer their sexual partners to be much older and others prefer them to be younger. Some prefer them hairless, others prefer them hairy. There are people who are nudists and people who are swingers. I know people who are into S & M and people who have even stranger habits (read about it here on SAMen). Some simply find sex a perversion, an evil, a sin.

There are people who dress up in their partner’s clothes, people who like to have sex with more than one person at a time, in a group, in strange places or in ‘difficult’ positions. There are people who enjoy having sex while others watch, while others enjoy sex when they are watching others.

In my mind sexuality is, should be, and has always been a personal affair. I am against people being judgemental about other people’s sexuality and preferences. We should live and let live. It is fine if you prefer not talking about your own and not knowing about other peoples’ sex lives and preferences. It is yours and theirs: be who you want to be and allow others to do the same.

But let me be judgemental just this once: There is no condoning nor approval for sex with children, animals or someone who did not consent. That is vile and horrific and reduces sex to something awful. Sex is a beautiful and amazing thing. Keep it that way.